Zombies!
by Rachel.Three
Summary: Shepard and Joker watch a horror film; it soon turns into a reality. Mass Effect kink meme fill.


Commander Jane Shepard was bored.

For a station prone to bother, the Citadel was very quiet. Shepard had managed to do all the supply shopping with very little incident and now her day was free. She had to stick around, however, for a meeting with the council. The very thought of that already boring her more so.

"Joker!" The pilot looked up to find Shepard leaning on the back of his chair.

"Yeah, Commander?" He knew this was coming, and was a little surprised it had taken her so long to trudge up to the cockpit.

"I'm bor-.." Shepard was cut off as Joker waved something in front of her face. She scrutinised the strange rectangle then gasped as she realised what it was.

"Yes! Yes, yes, yes! How did you get this?" Shepard grabbed it from him and stared at the case in awe.

"Well, when you're this good you can get favours all over the place." Joker had presented Shepard with an old copy of a zombie movie from Earth.

Joker and Shepard had realised their shared love for all things horror when they first encountered a Husk. After leaving Eden Prime, Joker had compared the empty bodies to the fictional zombie from old Earth stories. Shepard immediately agreed, likening them to the zombies from i_Dawn of the Dead_/i. She commented that she hadn't seen any evidence of them existing outside of Earth, which she found quite disappointing.

Feeling the same, Joker had set out to find any form of zombie film he could track down that would play on the Normandy's vid screen.

"So, where shall we watch it?" Joker looked shocked.

"Are you not extremely busy/ human Spectre/ important business-all-the-time-Shepard?" She shook her head and looked solemn.

"I've been "put on hold" by the council. Nothing to do for today. Essentially, grounded. Plus, there's hardly anyone here. Come on, Joker. We can watch it here."

Shepard positioned herself in the co-pilot seat, her knees pulled up and her feet on the edge of the chair. Joker let out a chuckle and popped the vid into the control panel.

EDI wouldn't like the idea of the command screen being used to watch horror films, but she had yet to protest – which relieved Joker.

He sank down into his leather chair and grinned at Shepard, "Hope you're ready to be scared, Janie." The lights in the cockpit went down and the film began to start.

"Joker. Joker." Shepard was looking over her shoulder and she whispered. "Joker!" He turned to look at his commander, annoyed she was interrupting the vid. "Joker, there's something back there."

Joker laughed, "Don't be ridiculous, I knew you'd get scared." He turned back to face the film, but Shepard wasn't convinced.

She climbed down off her chair and kept low next to Joker. She heard a stifled moan coming from the CIC, followed by a shuffling sound. Joker watched the top of her head as she crouched lower, crawling forwards from behind his chair.

"Shepard, what are you doing? Will you just watch the bloody film, it's not even that scary." But she had already made her way half way down the bridge, keeping on all fours and staying near the wall. She stopped at the end, her hand hovering over her pistol and turned to Joker.

"Come on, man. I'm not doing this alone."

Joker raised both eyebrows, "Are you kidd-..", but he raised himself slowly and made his way, limping, towards Shepard. "What is it?" He didn't realise he was whispering. Shepard pointed towards the Galaxy Map, right where Kelly's computer was situated.

"There's someone there. Or, something. It's not human," she was now lying on the floor, her arms stretched out in front of her, both hands clasped around her gun.

Joker was crouched down next to her, his knees nearly letting out. "Jane, you had better not be pissing around." But, as he finished, he heard the same moaning and shuffling Shepard had heard earlier – but this time, it was closer; to their left. He took a cautious step forwards and peered around the corner.

Jeff Moreau found himself face-to-face with the cause of the noise. He stumbled backwards, almost tripping over the horizontal commander. Shepard was back vertical again just in time to prevent Joker falling, she looked up to see what startled him and her eyes widened.

The Normandy was now host to a less-than-friendly looking group of Husks that had yet to notice the two. They crept backwards, as slowly as they could manage. The look on Joker's face expressed how Shepard felt. They made their way back to the cockpit and Joker sat back down, his hand under his cap, resting on his forehead.

"What? How did they-?" The colour had drained from his cheeks. Shepard was leaning against the arm of his chair, her pistol resting on her thigh, finger still on the trigger.

"I don't know. They must have.. No, they can't..." Shepard exhaled louder than her whisper. Joker clapped a hand over her mouth, and motioned their unwanted guests in the CIC. One of the Husks had started to wander down the corridor in the direction of pilot and commander.

Just as they thought their hideout had been found, EDI sprang to life and, silently, signalled an air vent that happened to be half way between them and the lone Husk. Shepard helped Joker out of his seat and pushed him gently towards to the duct, her gun pointed at the Husk all the way. He climbed down the rungs of the ladder as fast as he could and glanced around in the dark hallway they ended up in.

"Where are we, EDI?" Shepard asked. She attempted a look of concern at Joker, but found herself grinning at him instead.

"Commander, you and Mr Moreau are situated between deck 2 and deck 3; ventilation shaft towards the hull of the ship."

"Thanks, EDI. What are you smiling at, Jane?" Joker had gained his breath back and was staring in disbelief at the beaming woman in front of him.

"It's just like the film, isn't it!" She was acting like a child at Christmas, and Joker found it ridiculous.

"Jane. We nearly i_died_/i!" he was still whispering. Shepard took his arm, careful not to grab too hard, we didn't need any accidents, and led him down the unlit tunnel. She didn't know where it would lead, but she wasn't thinking about consequences. Passing Joker her pistol, she grabbed her assault rifle from her left thigh.

"Okay. So, where is everyone? You don't think-.." Shepard held up her hand, stopping him mid-sentence. She pushed open a vent they came across and peered around the corner. Before he realised what had happened, Joker heard Shepard laughing and a lot of gunfire. She had jumped through the hole and started shooting the Husks that had made it to the third deck.

Being unable to jump down, Joker shot at the Husks from his ventilation shaft, waiting for Shepard to help him. The shooting stopped, but Shepard hadn't reappeared. "Erm, Shepard?"

He could hear a loud shuffling noise, too loud to be a Husk however. Below, Shepard was dragging a table to underneath the vent. Joker rolled his eyes as Shepard stood on the table and put her arms up. "C'mon, I'll get you down."

Joker and Shepard had encountered a lot of Husks as they searched the ship for their missing crewmen. Spurred on by Shepard's initial excitement, Joker was actually enjoying being in a real life zombie vid.

i_At least_/i, he thought, i_they're slow enemies. Not fucking assassins.. Or krogan./i_. They made it to the cargo hold slowly, but unharmed. No one seemed to have returned since the outbreak, which didn't really bother Shepard – or Joker.

They crept behind a pile of crates, edging closer. Shepard, getting carried away with herself, jumped out, shouting.

"ARGHHH!" But before she could pull the trigger, she heard Joker's voice.

"Shepard, wait!"

Grunt was hidden, crouched behind a large pile of crates. "Shepard, what the hell?" She lowered her gun apologetically. "Where have you been?"

Shepard looked puzzled, "Fighting my way down to find someone. And then I found you.. What are these Husks doing here? And what are you doing behind there?" The hold seemed to be clear of Husks; Joker had perched himself on one of the crates, his breath heavy.

Grunt looked at Shepard from his hiding place, "I don't know. I hate these things! They creep me out." Grunt looked.. sheepish, "I saw you and Joker watching that film earlier, but it was too much. On my way back, I found some of these in the hold. They didn't see me, so I hid behind here. I didn't want to turn into one!"

Joker couldn't help it, he'd already let out a snort, but now he was laughing. "What? I never thought I'd see the day a i_krogan_/i was scared of Husks!" He was clutching his stomach, and seeing this spectacle Shepard couldn't help but giggle either. "Sorry, Grunt, but this is brilliant."

By the time Shepard and Joker had convinced Grunt to leave his hiding spot, the other crewmen had returned and managed to kill the remaining Husks.

No one knew how the Husks had gotten onto the ship, but the problem seemed to be solved. Shepard was sat in her cabin when EDI got her attention, "Commander Shepard. Mr Moreau would like to see you."

When she arrived at the cockpit, it was dark and Joker was slouched in his seat. He could hear her footsteps, and as she stood behind his chair he held the case for the vid above his head.

"I think I still owe you the end of the film, Jane."


End file.
